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Discussion Starter #1
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"


And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!!


And the husband began --


"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.


Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."


The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
 

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Discussion Starter #4
cool im glad you guys like the jokes i have a whole bunch but i didnt know if this site would be ok to post them!!!if its ok ill load you guys up!!!
 

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cool im glad you guys like the jokes i have a whole bunch but i didnt know if this site would be ok to post them!!!if its ok ill load you guys up!!!
everything other than (male) gay shit is cool on here.....
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I recently chose a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
“No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing at the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He then looked at me and asked,
"Then why do you give a shit?"
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Seven Stages of Sex!!!!!

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf
Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you
both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex
is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the
kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when
you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine
and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is
called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw
you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex,
Which means you
get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very
popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you
cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in
front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is
called: Social Security Sex,
You get a little each month. But not enough to
enjoy your self.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
 

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about... umm.. how do i build a 400 whp D-series?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss d-series modifications when you don't know shit?"
how about my version :lol: ?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
 

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
heh, my kinda humor....:twisted:
 

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Discussion Starter #18
A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

The man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
 

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Discussion Starter #19
A man comes home from work and finds his mother-in-law laying face down in the living room. After she doesn’t respond to him he calls 911 and they take her to the hospital. After a couple hours the doctor comes out and talks to the man…

Dr. : I have some bad news about your mother-in-law, she had a seizure and has brain damage.

Man: aw, that is terrible.

Dr. : But, I have more bad news, since she has lost all motor skills, you will have to feed her

Man: I can manage that

Dr. : Also, you will have to bath her daily, since she will no longer be able to wash herself

Man: Wow, this is going to be a lot of work

Dr.: Since she has no control of her bowels you will have to check her constantly clean her up when she goes to the bathroom on herself

Man: :sighs: Jesus, she is my mother-in-law

Dr: and one more thing…

Man: oh my God. What is it now?

Dr. Nah I’m just fucking with you, she’s dead
 
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