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Old 05-26-2010, 08:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default DIY Jesus Toast

This is not my original work. I came across it while searching for "Jesus Toast" due to a particularly zealous post by my buddy's spouse on her FB page. I like my friend a lot, but he and his wife are just a little too crazy for the L-O-R-D.



YOUR OWN PERSONAL JESUS TOAST.
(The source can be found here: YOUR OWN PERSONAL JESUS TOAST.)
by Eric Gillin
12.02.04




We all know the story by now. Ten years ago, a jewelry designer named Diana Duyser made a grilled cheese sandwich while working on some drawings. She took a bite, marvelled at its cheesy goodness, then had an epiphany: Her sandwich looked like the Virgin Mary!

Duyser, presumably no longer hungry after her brush with the Virgin Mother, hid the sandwich in a box for a decade, where it miraculously grew zero mold. Eventually, for reasons only known to Duyser, she unveiled it to the world, which went crazy for her little Grilled Cheese effagy. So crazy, in fact, that the Antigua-based casino GoldenPalace.com, best known for drawing its name on the backs of sweaty men who pummel the shit out of each other, bought it for $28,000 on eBay.

That's a lot of money for a grilled cheese sandwich. To level the playing field, an enterprising man named Christopher Curry is selling his Blessed Grilled Cheese Virgin Mary Creation Kit on eBay ... with a bid of $3,500.

Since we here at The Black Table know that you lack $28,000 for a randomly occurring piece of religious sandwich, or even $3,500 to recreate the miracle in the privacy of your own home, we conducted a test to make our own. Here's how we did it.


Step One: Get Bread, Get Butter, Get Crazy.





For those of you who are new to Earth, this is a picture of bread and butter. You probably have this stuff in your fridge. It's all you need to make millions and millions of dollars making fake Jesuses.



Step Two: What Up Jesus? You My Home Slice.





This is a slice of bread, which, at some point must have been some kind of modern marvel, hence the phrase "greatest thing since sliced bread." This, clearly, makes absolutely no sense today and leaves you with a suspicious feeling about a society that placed such a high cultural premium on properly sliced bread.



Step Three: The Face of God, In Butter.




Carefully cut little slices of butter and arrange them to make the face of The Messiah, making sure to focus on the crucial beard/mullet areas. Inadvertenty note that "Jesus has a butterface" and immediately feel such tremendous guilt that you break down and pray. Very good, my son.



Step Four: Put Jesus in the Toaster Oven.




To go from "breakfast" to "breakfast miracle," slide Jesus into the toaster oven and flip the switch. This doesn't work as well in one of those old-timey, top-loadey toasters because Jesus catches on fire and burns down your apartment, which isn't the kind of "closeness to God" you had in mind.



Step Five: Jeeee-licious!






It's Jesus on your toast! Sure, this could also be Johnny Damon or Rupert from Survivor, but that doesn't matter -- your toast has a Shroud of Turin mysterious iconic look about it that will get those eBay bidders freaking out.
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Old 05-26-2010, 08:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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lol wtf.
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Old 05-26-2010, 08:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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WIN!
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Old 05-26-2010, 08:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Step 6: Put on ebay, PROFIT
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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fucking jesustastic epic.

this thread is so fucking full of win.
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Praise the Lord!
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Yeah, this was the post (there are many more like it) that prompted it.

It's so easy for me to get caught up in the CIRCUMSTANCE. But God is not bound by that. I cried out to Him and He answered. Isn't He a GOOD God? His mercy endures forever. Have YOU sought the LORD lately? If not, why not?

God love her (haha.), but moderation is the key to happiness.
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
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HAHAHA. WIN! Rep'd
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:07 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by speedfoos View Post
Step Five: Jeeee-licious!

It's Jesus on your toast! Sure, this could also be Johnny Damon or Rupert from Survivor, but that doesn't matter -- your toast has a Shroud of Turin mysterious iconic look about it that will get those eBay bidders freaking out.
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Step 6: Put on ebay, PROFIT
Technically, that's step 5
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Step 6: Watch as people slap each other down for a slice of Jesus
Epic win!!!!! XD
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:13 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Technically, that's step 5
You win on a technicality
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:50 AM   #12 (permalink)
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...wow. hahahaha im gonna try this and see if my wife picks up on it.
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:44 PM   #13 (permalink)
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AMEN!!!!!
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Old 05-26-2010, 01:43 PM   #14 (permalink)
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praise the lard !
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Old 05-26-2010, 03:49 PM   #15 (permalink)
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AMEN!!!!!
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:19 AM   #16 (permalink)
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we all going to hell lol but atleast ill have my jesus toast lol
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:25 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Step 6: Put on ebay, PROFIT
haha i was just thinking that.
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i love to rape kids...*silence*


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Old 05-27-2010, 09:12 AM   #18 (permalink)
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we all going to hell lol but atleast ill have my jesus toast lol

choke on a jesus toast, bitch! :P
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I mess with cars because it's more socially acceptable than a cocaine habit ... although the cocaine would probably be cheaper.
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rip emilio gallardo (milo). outstanding father, spouse, friend and member of dso. you will always be missed.
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rip, patprimmer. last of the titans.

one thing i've learned from this job is to always keep a pack of cheese for your whine.

my ED6 build thread:

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my dyno compe build:

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Old 06-07-2010, 05:49 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Praise the Lord!
nuts to that. Praise my satisfied stomach! lol
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95 Harvard Blue Pearl Civic CX - Lucy - DD
95 Harvard Blue Pearl Civic CX Autotragic - The Blue Waffle - Retired

....Because sound systems are overrated...
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Old 06-09-2010, 12:03 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Lol dam looks good.
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